I hate end of year lists – in fact I hate the whole urge to categorize and impose order on the ineluctable chaos of existence. I hate Nick Hornby Books and alphabetisation and boring MAN things that MEN do. I hate that Carly Rae Jetson song and I hate it when people like things because they are ‘pure pop genius’ because there isn’t any such thing and I hate it when they like things because they are sweet and innocent and sexless and white and so much more morally acceptable than that dreadful dusky one who appears to like cocks too much AND I don’t even remember her being in the Jetsons, unless she was Judy and she changed her name.
Year end lists are the worst. Either self-validating auditions for a career remembering the 80s for money or just crushing disappointments when you realise that the bands you loved at school have succumbed to the dullard charms of whichever billowing sub Virginia has sexily warbled her way into the hearts of all the fifty year old men over the last twelve months. Hock spit and fuck it.
But SEO, yeah? Can’t just not post anything in the current media climate, can you? So here’s my top things that I did in 2012 because if we’re going down the route of self-promotion, showing off and smugness, let’s dive in face first.
Bands (I’m in/involved with) of The Year
The Indelicates, The Thlyds, Keith Top Of The Pops And His Minor UK Indie Celebrity All Star Backing Band
Song (I wrote) of The Year
Probably Le Godemiché Royal from Diseases of England Part One – it is one of the better songs I’ve written where Marie Antoinette wanking in a satirical pornographic pamphlet from pre-revolutionary France is used as a metaphor for the entrenched and unacknowledged elitism of the public school educated commentariat.
Gig (I played) of The Year
The Thlyds tribute show at Guided Missile. Did you form an Indelicates, KTOTP, Art Brut, Gay Dad supergroup to play a one off tribute concert to a band you may or may not have made up who have a song called ‘Song About When Lewis Met His real Dad But he Just Told Him To Fuck Off’? No? I win then.
Video (I made) of The Year
‘I Used To Sing’. Of the two videos I’ve made, this one was made more recently and is therefore better.
Joke (I wrote) of The Year
For some reason people on facebook were coming up with blaxploitation versions of 2012 hit films and I suggested ‘The Cabin In The Hood’ – that was pretty funny.
Book (I wrote) of The Year
No one has it yet, but the unfilmable David Koresh Superstar screenplay that comes with the more expensive preorder editions of Diseases of England is ace.
TV show (I created) of The Year
Toy (I helped design) of The Year
Children’s Song (I recorded) of The Year
The Ballad of Indiana Bear
Children’s Book (I wrote) of The Year
Flopsy Bunney and his Friends
Album (I produced) of The Year
Thalidomidas Touch by The Thlyds
Tweet (I did) of The Year
Maybe this one: “My least favourite bands are the ones that actually are the band we used to think it was necessary to describe ourselves as in press bios.”
Or possibly: “Sheeran, a man who has performed the seemingly impossible and demoted hucknall to second least welcome ginger gremlin in music.”
I don’t know, I don’t really remember – I only found those ones by signing up for a favstar account and now I have a favstar account and will have to go through 2013 with that hanging round my neck.
Will that do?
HAPPY NEW YEAR, kids and stunted adults. SEE YOU IN IT.